First, you’ll take the Heathrow Express or the Tube into central London. That part is fine—like the polite handshake before a long, awkward hug. You’ll emerge at Paddington or Victoria station, blinking like a mole who just discovered daylight.
From there, you catch the Gatwick Express from Victoria. It’s a direct train, which sounds great until you realize you’re paying first-born-child prices for a seat that smells faintly of wet umbrella and regret. But hey, it’s fast—30 minutes of staring out the window, wondering if your luggage is secretly judging you.
The Southern Railway Alternative: A Gamble With Your Sanity
If you’re feeling spicy (or broke), you can take a cheaper Southern Railway train. This is like choosing a budget airline: you’ll get there, but you might also develop a nervous twitch. The train chugs through suburbs so sleepy even the cows look bored.
I once saw a man board with a full roast chicken in a carrier bag. He ate it with his hands, making eye contact with no one. That’s the energy you need: pure survival. The Southern train doesn’t care about your time, your connection, or the fact you haven’t slept in 14 hours.
